Last year I had really made up my mind… no more retreats. And then something unexpected happened. I was asked to fill in as a last-minute substitute. No, was of course my answer. Not a chance! Of course, I promised I would sleep on it. As I lay in bed, I thought of Kant, as you do. Kant said: “Two things fill the mind with ever new and increasing admiration and awe, the more often and steadily we reflect upon them: the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me.” So the following morning I said yes – and asked my love to teach it with me. But then the panic started. Am I good enough? What if it’s a total disaster? There was only one solution. I would have to watch Kung Fu Panda. Again. As Shifu was spluttering (“The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn’t even meant to be here… it was an accident!”) I was reminded by the old and wise Oogway that there are no accidents. And also, that there is no secret ingredient. You just need to believe!
We started out with a tomato seedling in the window sill. As it got bigger, so did our plans for the vegetable patch. We’ll make diagonal beds, we said, leading up to a circle of flowers. We’ll grow carrots and lettuce and garlic and radishes and pumpkins and peppers and so on and so on… But that is not what happened. Turns out I really love watching things grow, weeds included. And it upsets me to seeing them all piled up, their beautiful roots exposed. So now, instead of a vegetable patch we have a little field of nature brimming with life. There are wild flowers in every colour of the rainbow. Sunflower of course, and marigold, delphinium, oxalis, viola and lots and lots of poppies. Every night I go for a little evening walk to water them. Every night there is a new wonder. One evening two tiny frogs hopped underneath the big green leaves. The discovery of a mysterious bean plant in the middle of the garden, growing there all by its own. And now, even the calabash is flowering.
I have always wanted a garden. My house at the beach has a small balcony with a couple of potted plants, but it’s not the same as a bit of land. There is a lovely community garden in our neighbourhood that I’ve always meant to sign up for, but somehow never quite got around to. One year I missed the deadline (by a day!), the next I had completely forgotten it… but last summer I decided it was time to commit to my dream. So I highlighted the date in my calendar, filled in an application form and just like that, got awarded a garden patch. It’s only fifteen square meters, but I’m happy as can be. It’s just marvelous to put some seeds in the ground and watch them grow. Did you know you can grow your own garlic just by putting a clove into the earth? We are gonna plant flowers for bees and other insects, veggies and fragant herbs. Right now the tomatoes are enjoying the warmth of our miniature green house. What a delight to wake up every morning and see how much they’ve grown!
I sit down on a bench overlooking the lake and watch the turtles basking in the sunlight on this first day of spring. Small ripples move over the water towards the bank. Everywhere around me the birds are chirping. How I enjoy the quietness of nature! It makes me feel completely at ease. Why, I wonder, is it so hard for me to let myself be? Instead of following my own rhythm, I keep falling into the same trap of not accepting myself and respecting my needs. I want so much to be like everyone else, to go to a cool festival, meet new people, stay up late, join in the fun… except that it’s not fun for me. A tiny fly lands on my hand as I’m writing in my notebook. What a perfect creature he is. I wonder if he longs to be in the water with the turtles? Probably not, he seems quite content to be just the way he is. So why can’t I? Being different in itself isn’t the problem, it’s wanting to be something I’m not and the frustration that comes with it, that is causing this tension. Now breathe, relax, let go…
Autumn is a time when the leaves start to change colour. As they start to whirl down one by one, they remind us that it’s time to take a step back and slow down. The endless summer nights long gone, and with every day the evenings get a bit darker. This season shows us how beautiful it is to let things go. I always think that means that it’s a perfect time to curl up on the sofa with a good book, warm and cosy inside, and allow myself to rest. But letting go is also an active process. It asks that you release your hold on things that no longer serve you and that you restore your equilibrium. So whenever I fall into a state of slumber, I remind myself that it’s important to keep doing the things that give me new energy. Whether it is writing in my journal, going for a long, beautiful walk in the woods, or doing a gentle meditation practice down by the river.